I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
