my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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