And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
