I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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