I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
