I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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