maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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