Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
