Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
