You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
