if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
