Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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