My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
