I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
