It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
