Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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