The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
