I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
