dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
