Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
