hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
