I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
bring money and cleavage
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
