Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
