I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am naked and annoyed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
