Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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