Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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