i just had sex bonerless
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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