Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
