I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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