Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
