you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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