dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
