That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
