Are we in a gay sports bar?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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