I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
