i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize