i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize