apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
