You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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