Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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