It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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