You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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