Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
