My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
