Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
