If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
