Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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