yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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