I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
