Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no, he came in my armpit
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
