I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
