I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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