That's when you crack a 10am beer
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize