I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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