Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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