just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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