Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
