I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
